My journal has been over due for a new entry for a while...I'm trying to upload more of my work....but i'm so facinated with other peoples work I don't have time to upload my own...well I suppose you can't do everything at once... everything will come in time...

I feel like there is something wrong with me
My feelings have turned against me
I didn’t want to know my feelings
I wanted to hide them forever
Because I knew that once I let them out
I would be vulnerable…I could get hurt
But I didn’t care…I didn’t think
Now I can’t stop thinking
Of all the heartache I could have avoided
If only I had listened to my mind
But I had to follow my heart
The same heart I wish would turn to stone
Freeze in place…stop the beating that reminds me
Reminds me of the pain
Reminds me of the good times
That are now gone forever

I feel the blades against my skin
Running down my flesh
So gently, so soft
Then you came along
And gave them a push
You didn’t have to
But you wanted to
My life is like a game to you

Sabotage…. I feel it deep within

Every time you get bored you want to play
But you don’t play fair
And you don’t play nice
I feel the blades sinking in
Into my delicate flesh
Not so gentle, not so soft
I feel like screaming
You cause me so much pain
Blood runs down me oh so softly

Sabotage…. I feel it deep within

Every time you want something
You run to me
Though you know you hurt me
You want me to help you
But how can I help you
When you just keep bringing me down
I still feel those blades you pushed into my flesh
I can’t help you
You won’t help me
That makes you angry
So you kick the blades in further
The pain penetrates my bones
I feel like dying
I can feel the hurt in my soul
Blood streams down my body in a rush
Why did you do this to me?

Sabotage…. I feel it deep within

I sit alone and begin to shake
As my body goes numb
I feel so cold
The darkness hides my tears well
But I can still hear my cries
And I can still feel my tears
But when I am alone I can hide it all so well
I can just act like it never happened
Go on like everything is perfect…
That is the way I want people to see me
That is the way I want people to know me
So I sit alone in the dark
And cry myself to sleep.

I feel my cross burning into my chest,
charring my soft delicate flesh
Such impurities in my head…
I can’t shake these thoughts in my mind
They’re controlling my every move
my every action
I can feel the blood on my lips
The drips fall onto my breasts
A single swipe of my hand
and I smear the blood across my chest
I bend down and pull my knife from my boot
I burn the blade with my lighter
Until it’s too hot to touch
Then I slice into my thigh
The pain is numbing
But tears still roll down my cheek
The knife slips from my fingers and falls to the ground
I sit on the cold ground
as I watch the blood stream down my leg
I watch in amusement, as it doesn’t stop…
I begin to laugh at myself wickedly
relishing in my own pain.